JUNE BREAK

I wanted to send an apologetic message to Phil, I sat thinking of what I’m going to write.

I was heart broken and couldn’t function perfectly all through that period because of Phil.

After much thought I began to type.

“My dear Phil, my love and hero. The only man i cherished. My heart aches for you and my love for you is undying. I’m sorry for my behavior or in anyway I acted out of order. Although I expectedly you to trust me enough and know what I can do and things I can’t do. I understand I have a horrible past of which you’re very aware of but is only a past. I can’t hurt you intentionally or cheat on you with another man. No, I will never do that to you Phil, I love you with all my heart and my entire being sings of your love. I swim in the ocean of your love for me and nothing else in any other man interest me. Denise helped me with some cash because I needed as many help as I can gather up. My Mom is all I care about at this moment and she’s the reason I can go to any length to seek for help. Please try to understand and trust me enough because I truly love and trust you and that’s simply the truth. Denise is just been nice to me and no string attached. Denise is a nice guy and I didn’t go there alone to see him, I went with Rachel, my sister. She was there and saw everything that happened. Denise didn’t make any strange move on me, he was only helping me because he saw that I truly needed the help. I don’t know how to explain this whole thing because I never betrayed you or cheated on you Phil. My only mistake was not telling you and is because I was afraid that you will be mad. Exactly what I feared is what that happened. If you trust me enough and not bring up my past each time there’s a misunderstanding, I will never hide anything from you but because I know that you’ve not really given me the benefit of doubts that’s why I can’t be open with you. Please Phil I… I…”This content © Nôv/elDr(a)m/a.Org.

I stared at the long written apologetic note, I don’t know what to input anymore and I don’t want to keep typing.

Probably I wasn’t even making any sense in the letter and some of the lines I used may get him mad because I’m all agitated as I type.

I’m emotionally destabilized.

I was getting angry with the whole thing as I wonder why Phil will keep judging me with my past and never trusting me enough.

How long will I continue to do this, how long will I be explaining myself when I did absolutely nothing wrong.

I concluded that I wasn’t going to send him any message.

The only message he will get from me is silence.

I deleted the messages and move to go check on my Mom.

My Dad was out to get some things for the house.

I took a chair and sat beside my mom’s bed.

Her condition was an eye saw but I’m hanging onto hope because that’s all i got.

I started talking to her, I don’t know if she hear or understand me but I kept talking anyway.

I reminded her of the good old days, the sweet memory she might have forgotten.

I spoke to her about the man, my Dad, that truly loves her and never stop caring for her despite how devastated her sickness made him.

I pleaded with my Mom to fight harder and fight well to remain alive because we need her.

I needed her and my Dad also.

If God was kind enough to keep her alive till date, making it possible for me to meet her still breathing, the cancer did not consumed her whole, then the same God will restore her fully.

She will not die. I refused and reject such thought because I need her.

We’ve been separated for about five years, and I can’t afford to agree I won’t ever hold or hear my mother call my name.

I became so emotional that I wept so hard, I have to leave before my Dad returns back

As I was walking out, I saw my Dad coming in.

He wasn’t gone for long.

He asked if I was OK and I nodded

I told him I was with Mom

I spoke with my Dad for sometimes before returning back to the room

Rachel was avoiding me but I’m not even surprise or angry with her.

My mind was literally focused on more important thing and which is my mom’s health.

That’s all that matters to me.

Not Phil and definitely not Rachel.

I kept assuring myself that all will be well

I don’t know how but I have faith.

Faith is all I got.