Pleasure Unbound

Katie stands up on her skates and holds out a hand for me. We latch arms and hobble past a few half-frozen trees, to a little locker room where we pay fifty cents to stash our shoes. Then we push out onto the frozen pond. It’s cold tonight, so as I glide, the white cloud of my breath floats around my face. Katie is half a pace ahead of me, holding out her arms. She tips her head back, facing the sky, and I feel a pang of envy at how free she seems. Then I feel like an asshole for feeling envious.

A second later, she turns to face me and smirks. “Want to race?” She nods at the other side of the pond, and I glide out ahead of her.

“Ready, set, go!” I grin, looking at her over my shoulder, and she lunges toward me. She shoves me back and cries, “Go!”

“Bitch!”

Katie’s ahead of me, but she’s got short legs. I gain quickly. As soon as I find my stride, feeling almost happy for the first time in weeks, a little kid trips right in front of me, and I almost slice his hand off with my skate. By the time we reach the other side of the pond, Katie has grabbed an older man’s arm in a desperate attempt not to wipe out, and I’ve bumped into a pregnant woman. What can I say? I was blinded by my bangs.

Katie beats me by a foot or two, and we shove each other a few times, both barely keeping our balance. We’re laughing and panting as we move toward the edge of the pond, looping a boisterous group of college guys.

When we reach a quieter patch of ice, I turn to her. “I forgot to record your thing.”

“Was I on it?”

I drop my head into my hand. “I’m a shitty friend. I fell asleep, so I don’t even know.”

“You dirty whore.”

“I know, I know. I suck big, hairy balls.”

“It’s okay,” she says. “I know you have a lot on your mind.”

“No, it’s not.” We skate side-by-side, and somewhere nearby, there is music; and all around us, people slide by wearing clothes they got from their dressers and closets, talking to people they care about, smiling because they are happy; and suddenly I know-I just fucking know-that things are about to change for me. Big time. I’m not sure how, and I’m too afraid to want to know, but I can feel it. I can sense my path diverging from Katie’s, even as we skate here, side by side.

My throat feels thick and tight. I think I’m going to cry. Not because I’m scared or sad for myself, but because I really will miss her and the gang from work. We will never be friends the way we were. I need a distraction. “Do you think he did it?”

“Wuh?”

“James Wolfe.”

“Aaaah.” She shakes her head, blonde pigtails bouncing. “I never did.” We bump elbows as we move around the perimeter of the pond. “Mainly because of the whole voice thing. You might not have watched it closely enough to see all the evidence or not evidence, but there were some pretty serious holes in the case. Most notably this bit about a butler who supposedly heard a man’s voice that didn’t sound how James Wolfe’s voice sounds. But as far as whether he did it, or ordered it done…” She shakes her head. “I guess I’m just going on a gut feeling.”

That’s all anyone can go on. James Wolfe hasn’t been seen in six years. “Where do you think he went?”

Katie shrugs. “Could have been anywhere. I’d get the heck out of the country if I were him.”

I think once more about the clean-shaven, hard-jawed man with dark brown eyes, and then I push him from my mind. I want to enjoy this night with Katie. So I do. We talk about work, gliding and twirling through the crowd. The head copy editor, Jane, just got engaged to her longtime girlfriend, and last night, Katie got called out to a big heroin bust. We talk about a controversial editorial in The Boston Globe. We pull off our skates put on our shoes and walk to a coffee shop, where Katie orders a cinnamon bagel and a hot cocoa and I ask for tea; it’s only $2. 10.

“Why aren’t you getting coffee?” Katie bugs her eyes out.

I smile proudly. “Gave it up.”

I’m a liar. But I make it home without having to tell her I’m giving up the apartment, without bursting into tears or freezing to death. I don’t even have blisters from the skates.

The first thing I do is check the job boards and my professional, Sarah Ryder e-mail address. I’ve got four confirmations from the job apps I put through yesterday, but nothing good. No callbacks; mostly just spam.

I checked my Red account, the one I used to e-mail Gertrude. No reply. Emboldened by my desperate circumstances, I sent another e-mail telling her I was drunk but really would like to meet. Then I read some of her poetry. It’s beautiful stuff, with lines about flowers like solemn children and the terror of a lone cloud.

I wonder what she’s like now. I wonder if she’d remind me of my mother. It’s that particular curiosity that, first thing Monday morning, drives me to phone Strike magazine in New York City. Gertrude founded it in the mid-1960s: “a journal of enlightenment and issues” aimed at “the contemporary woman.”

I get an operator and ask for the managing editor, a woman named Zoey Cruella. I’m put through to her assistant, Thomas, a polite guy who seems a few years younger than me. I tell Thomas my sad story, starting with my single mother rearing and ending with Mom’s untimely death, at 38, of pancreatic cancer.

“I was thinking of my mom today and I figured, why not try to get Gertrude’s address? I thought you guys might have it. She’s on the magazine’s board, isn’t she?”

Thomas confirms that indeed she is, but he says he can’t just hand it out.

“So there’s nothing you can do for me?”

“Just a moment.”

He returns and says, “I think my boss has found a solution. I’m going to quiz you.”

“Okay.” I chew my lip. “I’ll do my best.”

“What was your mother’s full name?”

“Georgia Anna Deckert.”Owned by NôvelDrama.Org.

“And your full name?”

“Sarah Lynn Ryder.”

“Okay. You’re in business. Please don’t share this, though. It’s only a mailing address-not physical-but Ms. O’Malley values her privacy.”

An hour later, I’m walking to the mailbox with a good old-fashioned hand-written letter. My hungry stomach hurts with nervousness. Things are feeling more real now that I’ve had less than two weeks with a roof over my head. What if she never replies? What if she does, and she invites me to come see her? What if she could help me get a job?

I forfeit my pride and call Thomas back, asking if there are any openings at Strike.

“No,” he says. “I’m sorry.” But he doesn’t sound sorry. He sounds annoyed.

On a whim, I call my landlord, Dursey. “I’m sorry to bother you again, but I wanted to let you know- I wanted to ask if you know of any jobs and tell you I’d take almost anything. If you have any friends or anything…”

Silence stretches out between us before finally, Dursey clears his throat.

“For sure. I’ll let you know.” But he won’t. I can tell.

The days begin to slide through my fingers. My eye starts twitching like it did after Mom died. I stop eating. I just can’t choke food down. I watch my phone check my e-mail and apply for more jobs. I even go by Hugh’s and ask the owner, Benjamin, if he would hire me.

“In a heartbeat, honey. But I’ve got no openings right now.”

One night, in a state of panic, I looked up escort services. I’m not super sexually experienced-no more than average, whatever that is-but I like orgasms, and I’m not ugly. I could maybe have sex with carefully vetted strangers if it meant I could afford a small apartment.

I check college apartment boards, hoping to find a situation where I’d be one of several roommates. Maybe I could get a low rent that way. I emailed two girls but got no response.

A week goes by, a week in which I collect an additional $264 from the sale of various belongings. A week in which I awake in the night, heart beating frantically, and check my inbox with sweaty fingers. A week in which I stand up the Journal crew for bingo.

On a Wednesday afternoon, I sell most of my clothes, adding a measly $43 to my sad sum. I go door to door again, hitting every business on Beacon Hill and the surrounding neighborhoods. I swallow the absolute last smidgen of my pride and frenziedly apply at a work-all-night janitorial service, at a Wendy’s, at a car wash down the street.

I wish I hadn’t had to sell my Kia to make rent last month. If I still had it, I could expand the door-to-door part of my job hunt.

On Tuesday, I take the bus to West End and Boston Commons; on

Wednesday, Back Bay, and Cambridge. I spend both days walking as far as I can, grabbing job applications from every place with an opening and filling them out on the cold sidewalk, pressing my pen down on my wallet, and trying to keep my trembling fingers still enough so my handwriting is readable. I get home at half past two a. m. Thursday, exhausted and trembling from hunger.

Katie pops up the next day and breezes right into the apartment, which is, accidentally, unlocked.

She looks around with horror on her face and puts her hands on her hips. “Red, what the hell?”

I’ve been found out, and I’m slightly mortified, but I shrug and play it off. “I’m moving.”

“Holy wow.” Her mouth lolls. “Just…holy.”

I twirl around the almost empty living room with my arms out. “I’m trying to live simply.”

“Holy shit, you got evicted, didn’t you? Because Carl left you high and dry.”

“I didn’t get evicted. I’m moving.”

“In with Gage and I.”

“No way.” They live in an 800-square-foot flat and fight and fuck like a pair of rabid cats.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“Katie-”

“Then where are you going?” she demands.

“I’ve got plans.”

“You don’t, Red. Quit putting me off. You’ve been doing it for weeks now and I’m tired of turning a blind eye to this…to this crisis.” I roll my eyes. “K, you’re overreacting.” She’s not.